Thought Problem

I am humbled by this song. Because sometimes...I take myself too seriously. I'm guessing you've noticed by now.



The way I hear "invisible" is not literal. Low self-esteem + grandiosity. Lyrics here.

So, I got a call from the nice HR lady at my old job. I may be doing some temp work at the old place again, at least for 2 months or so while my old supervisor is out on maternity leave.

I am surprisingly unhappy about this. I should be elated. I only have two actual reactions to this, though:

1. Moderate shame- that is, since I've not had a job since then (a full SIX MONTHS unemployed- half a year!), going back there just makes me feel like a failure. This is irrational, but feelings don't have to make sense.

2. Resolve. I want to get a job now, more than before. If just to say I've been bouncing around from place to place and keeping busy, as opposed to mostly just feeling depressed as I burn through my savings, as I have been.

Happiness was not on the menu.

This is only somewhat related but completely relevant in a way:

There's this thing about other people telling you how to feel, how to think. This always has a negative connotation- it's the outcry of someone trying not to be conformist. Or a complaint of parents of college students that some weirdo professor is telling them how to think.

I'm going to play a word game here, but I realized not long ago, I totally need to be told how to think. Not told, but taught. I mean taught in the sense that you are taught how to read, how to do math, etc. Though, I suppose it would be more accurate (and unfortunately more in tune with my nature as it is) to say that I need to learn.

It is sort of the basis of logic and reason that you have to understand that A follows from B, while not getting caught up in logical fallacies... In short, that there are guidelines for reason.

My thoughts (moreso my feelings but I feel less inclined to question those- ha) are sort of scattered and all over the place. I obsess over things that don't really mean much, I ignore and forget the biggest problems in my life routinely (daily, even with rather high stakes). I'm lost in imaginary conversations that might happen with people who I may never speak to/again, and daydreams of things I've no plans to actually do- even when I should. I am not a good thinker.

Now, I can ruminate about things, and when I do make actual deliberate decisions I think they stand up pretty well. My intellect, while not really impressive (I'm not a very well-educated person), is not really the issue. It's how my thoughts are ordered, the things I think about, etc... My problems are systematic.

If I were a computer... The hardware is OK, but I could use a new Operating System. Actually, I could use a memory upgrade, personally...but you get what I mean.

Another analogy would be to say that I am farsighted (though not very forward-thinking and certainly not possessing of a great deal of foresight)- things not my own seem relatively clear, but my own thoguhts, the hurricane of words and feelings that swirls around in my head, knocking over my plans intentions, has never been especially clear. And less so, these days. There was another metaphor in there, but again, I hope you can see what I'm getting at.


Another tangentially-related thought I had today... Positive thinking, at least, in some people, can happen by accident. It occurred to me that I and people generally would be happier if we thought about the things we can do and are able to do, as opposed to thinking about the things we can't do. This is especially relevant to career aptitude, but I suppose can be applied more broadly. If you find yourself thinking about getting better at the things you do well, you'll be inclined to do them. With me, if I find myself doing the opposite, it's like some sort of inverse masturbation, like something I find myself doing just to end up feeling worse.

Because what you think about affects how you feel, of course.

On that note, something very old, that I mentioned earlier:

https://rcpt.yousendit.com/811056550/1971c97649e7b0a64b5093a4a33b621b

This is As a Man Thinketh, a book I mentioned in an earlier blog post. My mom bought me the audiobook (access to an MP3, really) as well as some other stuff that I haven't bothered to listen to, but shows much less promise. The verbiage is a little outdated since the book was written in 1906 or something, and it is sometimes overly simple...but I like it. It's not so new-agey as it sounds from the introduction, though I should state that is a philosophical thing, and therefore offers no actual answers per se. But it's a nice listen.

Then again, I've always believed it's not so much what you hear, as when you hear it.

I feel like I was playing a racing game and just got a time bonus for completing the lap quickly enough.

Good news/bad news:

Good news is, I got an extra $800, which will cover rent for this next month, which is good because I'm sitll jobless, and I don't want to have to borrow money, nor be particularly homeless.

Bad news is, I had to cash in my 401k. Now, it's pretty sad that I only had $1,000 in my retirement fund, but I think it should be clear by this point that I'm not a very forward-thinking individual. The thousand bucks, minus taxes and the penalty for withdrawing funds before retirement age, came out to be $850 or something like that. Sad. I mean, I still have time to build my fortune (I love how that sounds) since I'm pretty young, after all. But it's just a bad feeling, you know? Having to cash out your 401k...

I wrote myself a letter the other day, in my notebook. It was pretty heavy. I mean to read it again, but I think...I think I may cry. It was that serious of a letter. But something I needed to do. I've been on the verge of being suicidal for quite some time (one could argue for the past 11 years or so, but I mean more recently the last month), but "luckily" just in terms of how I feel, not in terms of having any plans or anything. And when I get depressed I tend to withdraw unless work or school forces me into normal interaction with people- neither of those being present presently in my present schedule, at least for the present. Withdrawing into myself makes these things worse, so I had finally sorta had enough, and needed to tear down some of my emotional walls, and thus the letter. The honest, vulnerable letter. I'd post it, but...

Anyway, it occurs to me... I think I may have to become a grown-up sometime soon. Like having a career instead of a job, managing my finances, and all that stuff. It's weird to think about it that way for me. But I thnk that's what's coming. I'm so confused still...

A song. More specifically Her Song, which is the name of her song- the singer's song, I mean. Because she sings the song. So, Her Song is her song, even though she isn't the her in Her Song. Although she is a her in her song (her song being Her Song), just not the "her;" she's the I.

Moving along...



The lyrics, since the audio isn't very sharp... Please excuse any poor capitalization, etc, the lyrics are copy/pasted.

( Read more... )


Anyway, I've been feeling a bit better, but I'm not where I need to be ("and all that that implies," to borrow a line from The Iron Giant).

Yet another break in the melodrama, for something absurd:





I love this song. I fucking love it. I don't even know why

I am broke.

I need to come up with an additional $500 between now and the end of the month, or I won't be able to pay rent (this is very bad).

It's go time.

I've not been doing things in earnest, because I've been too down, in my comfortable misery (the status quo for my life since my teenage years, I think- the last few years at the old job were the exception, in hindsight). Too prideful to take shitty job in the meantime, or even really apply for unimployment benefits, both of which would have kept me in the black instead of in the red, my distaste aside.

You have to go broke twice before you start saving your money, they say. I think I get it now.


Let's get it on.





And I remind myself...things will be OK. And I don't particularly doubt it.

At a distance, at least.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nina Hagen:( Read more... )


I'm not into the facial expressions so much, but I dig the singing and the weirdness.

On a related note, I saw the Bad Romance music video by Lady Gaga for the first time a few weeks ago, and I thought it was great. Moreso the video than the song, but I dig Gaga now. She's cool in my book.

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/?imw=Y&f=most-viewed-24h5

Great little 2-page editorial on pornography. It is mostly work-safe, there's no pictures of wangs or vaginas or anything. But obviously, given the subject matter...you know what, I take that back. Too much time without a job as corroded my ability to say what is and what is not work-safe. I will say that it is not crudely written, given what it is about. Please read.

It reminds me of a quote (remind me to write about quotes, btw...there's this thing about witticisms and aphorisms, etc...) that I read in Dr. Drew's book about narcissism (something else I should write about).

*runs to go get book*

It was in my backpack, as I had taken it down to the library earlier this evening to renew it...

It contains a quote from another author, Daniel Boorstin:

We risk being the first people in history to have been able to make their illusions so vivid, so persuasive, so realistic that we can live in them.
-Daniel Boorstin, The Image (1961)


The quote is about celebrity, I think, but I feel like it applies especially well to the Internet age.

Beware the cave of wonders you build for yourself, friends. You may find it hard to get out.

Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself.
-James Allen

I do not like what I have seen of my reaction to my circumstances. Though I do very much appreciate that quote, as it is a very simple truth, succinctly stated.

There was something I wanted to post about, but I wanted to post about my ignorance, for a moment. I have a tendency to not know things...what to say, how to feel, what to do with my life- I'm closing in on 30 and I still have no career plan of any sort...well, I just turned 26, but you get what I mean.

So I'm making an effort to stop thinking to myself that I don't know. It's a very simple affirmation: I DO know. Not knowing, as it relates to emotional things, has been an excuse for me (and I would assume some others) to not think about it, since I'm able to accept that I don't know. It is, after all, a reasonable thing to not know something.

This thinking has begun its cessation of being acceptable. When I announce to myself that I DO know something, it sets my brain working to find the answer. Because I think we very often announce that we don't know something when we do actually have thoughts about it, even if they are not as simple as 2+2 = 4.

The mind is sorta like that, I think, for some people more than others: momentum is a very important thing, as the mind can function as a perpetual motion machine. Just as negative thoughts can lead to a negative outlook, when you tell yourself or say aloud that you don't know, you can convince yourself of it.

You don't always really think what you think, in other words. Or, what you think you think isn't really what you think.

These are very old ideas, but they're new to me.

Ah, the other thing I wanted to post about was my insane dream that I had a few nights ago, one of the many that I have. This one was particularly odd, though, more on that later. Also more on James Allen, the author of the quote at the top of this post. Hell, I'll paste it down here, too:


Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself.

So, I've been hanging out at Shoryuken.com for the better part of ten years, at this point.

The site went down for maintenance this weekend, and went back up a few hours ago. And one of the first things I see in the forum is...the announcement of the death of one of our members, who's been there as long as I have.

Sad.

He'd been ill for some time, and was confined to a wheel chair for years, as I remember it. So it didn't exactly come out of nowhere, and I think in the back of my mind I had somewhat prepared myself. But still...he wasn't dead, last week. You know? I've seen him post on the messageboard fairly recently, and now...well...he's gone. Forever.

Strangely enough, I wish I met him. That isn't strange, but I wish I were sadder. The Internet Age has turned socialization into entertainment. I wish I'd had a deeper connection with him, so his passing felt more like a death and less like if a website I used to go to closed down, though I didn't go to it anymore. People online are more like TV channels, and less like human beings. It's like the death of some sort of Internet coworker, only, one you weren't very close to anymore.

I don't know. I just needed to bang on my keyboard a bit and work this through in my mind.


I still don't know.

And just like that, it's 2010.

But you know what else is strange? Since he died at the end of 2009 (ON CHRISTMAS DAY), to me it's like... I don't know, I've already accepted that 2009 sucked. So this feels more like motivation for me to get my shit together.

Maybe I'm just slipping into narcissim again?

As I said before, and as generally sums up this post: I don't know.


I don't know.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE GOING TO CALL YOU RIGHT BACK, AND THEN NOT CALL YOU??!!


Dude!! I swear if I didn't like you I would kick you in the fucking neck the next time I see you!

And weren't you just bitching to me about someone who didn't call you about something?? And how upset you were about it?? Are you serious? Are you fucking serious???

People!

I don't know, maybe I just have a bad compass and need to stop talking to this person altogether.

The only thing that's not an option is sitting on this and not bringing it up. Also, I probably won't physically assault this person, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Ugh.

Yeah, this is my fault.

Alright, I just needed to put some more negative energy out there for the new year.

This post was, of course, written about someone who won't read it.

On my way downtown (further downtown at least) to see some fireworks and maybe hang around with drunkards.

A song for the new year!



If you want a download link, it's here. Let's hope this year runs a little more smoothly than the last!

If you had a good one, great!

If you didn't, make this one better!

There are a few days left in the year. But, 2009 is dead to me. I am breaking up with it. True story.

We're done. It's over.





Get fucked, 2009. I hope you die.

I should really go back over my LJ and see what has gone on this year other than my recent bout with narcissisim. But I'm reminded of Large Marge, in general:



Started out OK, and then just got fucked up and weird.

None of this makes sense, you can't be mad at a fucking year. But, forget all that. Fuck 2009. Sometimes you just gotta get angry when stuff makes you angry.

I want to kick 2009 in the chest, but I'm fine just leaving it to end ignominy.

Here's some Mozart for you. You ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Songs:

Sweet Disposition

The Real Folk Blues (live). This song doesn't seem to get old. Maybe because I was never a huge fan of Cowboy Bebop.

Also, Switchfoot's new album seems to be up in its entirety on their myspace page (the first 12 songs on the playlist). Being in the mood I'm in Iv'e been partial to "Free" recently, but Bullet Soul and The Sound are generally more agreeable, and are songs I like more often.

You know...the world keeps on spinning, no matter what, and things go on.

And sometimes, that pisses me off a little. Not always. But sometimes.

I was hanging around with family and extended family today, and being around people again got my mind working on issues not related to me hammering on a keyboard. Though, ironically, it manifested in the form of ideas for me to rant about on the Internet.

The List:

-The swiss cheese of my life
-The profound self-imposed isolation I've been under over the last few months (see first sentence of post)
-Life is like Shining Force or other strat RPGs. At least in the sense that I've been poisoned, and am just idling and losing HP (ie $). Likewise, Slade's magic and Grace's attack power (I'll explain later). Also, lack of exploitation of the resources of my team, by which I mean my range of abilities.
-Working for...myself? What the hell would I do?
-The pathology or at least psychology of having no direction in life.
-The psuedo self.
-The dog that lived too long.
-The movie The Proposal.
-My urgency.
-Anti-philosphy philosphy.
-Anti-anti-intellectualism as it relates to conspiracy theories, and that stupid zeitgeist bullshit.

I am now a fan of Some Grey Bloke.

I am very tired.

In my sleepy haze, I saw a flash of light, a reflection of something or other.

And I thought of a flower. With a white light at the center, surrounded by yellow petals, like a sunflower.

But all I could picture was the shadow being cast on the petals by the light, so I rejected the image.

Watch 1. The Twilight Zone - Two in Entertainment  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

So I'm abstaining from Facebook for a week, gonna see how that goes. I check it too damn often.

Too damn often. Seriously.

Also taking a break from reading the SRK forums, which is my favorite website. I don't know how long that break will be, but hopefully it'll make me a tiny bit more productive.

So about a month ago my eldest brother's wife invited me to come over for Thanksgiving. I said I'd call and let her know, and then immediately thought to myself as I was leaving, well I'm not coming unless I get a job by then.

She doesn't give a shit if I have a job. That is a tire I carry around my own neck. Not the responsibility or need to get a job, the shame of not having one.


Unrelated to the above, you know what I was thinking about a few weeks back? Phantom limb pain. You know, when you're missing a limb, but you can still feel it ache because your brain is so used to having it there.

An idea occurred to me: emotional phantom pain. The pain of missing stuff that isn't there anymore...a relationship, a person, etc. Maybe phantom pain should be called physical nostalgia?

I imagined it as being particularly relevant to emotional trauma as phantom pain is to physical- that is, we as human beings still react to dynamics and events from earlier in life, even though there's no real cause to anymore.

By the way, Phantom is an awesome word. There was this game called Phantom Fighter that my older brother borrowed from a friend many years ago, which had pretty sexy looking graphics for an NES game. Maybe that's why the word has always had a positive sort of association for me.

1. The fact that things will be alright still seems like a mind-blowing revelation, an epiphany of great power and weight.

2. I need to get a fucking job.

Also,

3. I am below 100kg. My weight has been an issue since I lost my job, and still is. Though I haven't been running/jogging for the last few days (too lazy to launder my running clothes apparently), yesterday I was 218.5 lbs (this is progress, trust me), and today I'm at 217.4. So, even though I haven't been eating well these last two days (Tuesday especially), at least my metabolism is headed in the right direction.

Off for a jog now, since I'm sure the stuff I ate Tuesday/yesterday is on its way to catch up with me.